Six years old but I remember when….

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASometimes when they have a birthday, its just another day, and it passes without you thinking too hard about it. Its a day of fun, of blowing out candles, and a day to remember and cherish.

But sometimes, there is a little sadness behind those giggles. This week, my boy was six. Six – such a little word, but this time around it seemed like such a big birthday. So much so that I shed a little tear for it. Alone.

And…erm, in the toilet, which is, of course, the only place in the house, as ever parent knows that you can get a minute to yourself….

I grabbed a flannel afterwards, and faced the world with slightly red eyes, in an unusually melancholy way, not just because my little boy is growing up, but because I won’t be able to experience those early years ever again. Not with any little ones because of last year.

So I look at my beautiful boy now and I remember when…

  • I realised that I hadn’t done this bit before, and didn’t have a clue how to actually give birth properly, I never got to this stage the last time…push, sorry, what in god’s name am I supposed to do now?
  • I could hold your hand in mine and it disappeared, and now, you don’t sit still long enough for me to even try
  • I used to sit and just stroke your head in your cot and listen to your breathing because I couldn’t believe that you were real
  • You slept on me, and I could feel your heartbeat against mine, and I would lean down and just take in that wonderful, newborn baby smell
  • You stroked my breast as you fed and it seemed like the most beautiful natural thing in the whole world
  • You screamed so hard with the pain in your throat that I thought your lungs would burst, and I felt so helpless because I could do nothing
  • You found your thumb and how utterly cute you looked sucking it all the time, but how incredibly different it was to get you to stop
  • You would hold out your arms to me as soon as I came in the room because there was no-one that felt better than mummy.

I am hoping that a little bit of him remembers too……